


Her Master's Word

by Defira



Series: In Her Shadows [5]
Category: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: Gen, Minor Violence, Philosophy, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Defira/pseuds/Defira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>In which a light side Sith master and her fallen Jedi apprentice debate the problematic elements of the Sith and Jedi codes respectively.</i>
</p>
<p>Tahrin had not planned on taking an apprentice this soon, but opportunity came knocking in the form of Jaesa Willsaam, a Jedi padawan quite willing to cast aside her beliefs and follow her blindly. How does a woman with her own questions on morality and power impart her understanding of the universe on a girl who has essentially come to her from the opposite end of the moral compass?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Her Master's Word

There was a haphazardly assembled collection of boxes in the cargo bay, the weights and training equipment that her master had accumulated over the last few months pushed to the sides to leave the training mats clear. Tahrin was waiting for her, kneeling on the floor in meditation, her eyes closed while energy pulsed in the air around her. It was subtle, and not at all like the Sith she had seen in Kaas City when Tahrin had first taken her there who seethed and crackled with power, smoke and hate pouring from them in a tangible black mist. 

Tahrin was more controlled than that, and there was only the barest shimmer in the air around her, as if she were encased in a heatwave. She was dressed simply, leather pants and a linen tunic belted at the waist; she barely ever saw her so casual, and it was interesting to note that even in the sanctity of her own ship the Sith Lord still wore both her lightsabers on her waist. Jaesa hesitated in the doorway, unsure whether it was wise to interrupt her, but Tahrin stirred at her own volition, blinking slowly before exhaling sharply.

Her gaze was intense and more than a little unnerving, even after being in her service for months now. “The others?” she asked, coming to her feet.

Jaesa bowed her head quickly, respectfully. “Lieutenant Pierce is buying parts to repair the damaged gun turret, and Captain Quinn is attending the political luncheon in your stead,” she said, keeping her eyes focussed on the ground. “Vette has been gone for a few hours on that expedition to recover goods from the debris of that crash out to the east.” 

“Excellent,” Tahrin said, crossing to the workbench and picking up a towel; she wiped at her forehead and arms, her movements precise and perfunctory. Jaesa waited patiently, eyes darting from her master to the precarious tower of coloured boxes, wondering what on earth Tahrin could have in store for her. 

She didn’t have to wait long to find out. 

“Today we are going to learn about applications of the Force,” Tahrin said, setting the towel down and coming to stand beside the tower. She crossed her arms and stared at her, her eyes intense and intimidating even after months of adjusting to her bizarre moods. “It’s a relatively simple exercise, so we should not have any issues.”

“Forgive me Master, but I am well versed in the applications of the Force,” Jaesa said.

Her master did not even hesitate. “Oh are you now?” Tahrin said, her tone just as measured and flat as it had been a moment earlier. It was almost impossible to tell if she was irritated at all. “Most excellent. I don’t need to give you instructions. Shall I allow you to run the lesson?”

Jaesa hesitated before bowing her head. “No, Master. I apologize.”

“Are you certain? Are you sure you would not rather give yourself this very fine lesson, since you are so well versed and find my tutoring unnecessary?”

“No, Master.”

“Very well.” She stepped forward, apparently satisfied with Jaesa’s humility. “Let us begin then.”

Jaesa bowed her head even lower, doing her best to indicate her humility. “Of course, Master.”

Tahrin gestured to the tower of boxes behind her, which was at least a good arm span taller than she was. She had to wonder how it even stayed upright, so unevenly were they stacked. “The Jedi practise denial; abstinence from emotion in all forms,” she said, pacing slowly along the line of boxes. “Whereas the Sith delight in the opposite- gorging themselves on their passions, abandoning all control in the face of their emotions, drawing power from the chaos therein. 

“There are any number of things that the Jedi would teach you to deny yourself- to control aggression, to stifle curiosity, to conquer arrogance. But the Sith would likewise have you abandon compassion, to fulfil only selfish desires and pursue power to the detriment of all else. They are cultures of extremes, existing only to defy one another, and in doing so they contradict themselves a thousand times over. Would you agree?”

Jaesa hesitated. “If you say so, my Lord,” she said carefully. “I have not fully been exposed to the power and contradictions of the Dark Side of the Force yet. I do not think any assessment I gave would be accurate.”

Tahrin nodded towards her, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “An intelligent answer,” she said, “if a cowardly one. You need not fear being outspoken in my company, Jaesa.”

“If you say so, my Lord.”

The corner of her mouth quirked again. “For this exercise, there are but three instructions,” Tahrin said, pacing slowly. “You will notice that behind me, there is a precarious tower of boxes of different colours. As you can see, they are very badly assembled.

“Your instructions are simple: first and most important of all, you are not to use the Force at all while completing this exercise.”

“But my Lord, I thought this exercise was applications of the Force. How am I supposed to learn without being allowed to-”

“This is an exercise in the theoretical applications of the Force- not lessons on how to wield it. You are an excellent student, and you are already well trained. Unless I was wrong and you find these instructions too complex?”

Jaesa ducked her head to hide her flaming cheeks. “Of course not, my Lord.”

Tahrin waited for a moment, the silence weighing heavily until Jaesa had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from fidgeting. “Your second instruction,” Tahrin finally said, “is that you are to select and remove a box from the tower in such a way that the missing piece does not cause the whole to collapse. And thirdly, you are not to touch the box with a grey lid.”

Jaesa paused, waiting for more instructions. When she realized none were forthcoming, she blinked in surprise. “That’s… that’s it?”

“Do you now find the exercise to be too simple for your tastes, apprentice?”

“No, not at all! I’m just...” _Confused_. “I’m sorry. May I begin?”

Tahrin waved her hand magnanimously, and backed away to clear the path to the boxes. “Whenever you feel ready,” she said, standing well out of the way, her expression giving no clue as to what she was expecting Jaesa to take away from this task.

Flexing her hands at her sides, Jaesa approached the tower carefully, eyeing it as if she expected it to topple over just to spite her. The grey box, the one forbidden to her, was perched right at the top of the tower, and was perhaps the only one that seemed like an easy option. The rest of the boxes, a jumble of red and blue, were laid out in such a fashion that even touching any one box seemed likely to bring the whole tumbling down on top of her. 

She stared at it for some time, circling around it slowly, assessing it from every angle to find a weakness that she might be able to exploit. Five minutes passed, and then ten. Tahrin stood patiently off to the side, no indication at all that she was frustrated by the delay. Jaesa felt it though, irritated at herself for not being able to see what it was that her master wanted her to learn from this. 

She finally settled on one, a red box sitting right in the centre of the tower. Her theory was, at least, that by taking one from the centre of the structure, the internal support would not be too badly thrown out. Surely the other boxes would still be braced by the ones on either side of them... wouldn’t they?

She realised her mistake when she was halfway through sliding it free, feeling the moment when the tension in the tower was irrevocably upset. Gravity took hold before she could correct her error, and she could only throw her hands up to cover her head as the entire structure came crashing down on top of her. 

It didn’t really hurt- the boxes were rather light weight, after all- but it stung her pride so badly. It took a moment for the boxes to settle, and each muffled thump made her cringe a little more.

Tahrin did not say anything until the noise had settled, waiting a few beats before indicating the mess. “You have failed at the second instruction, which was to remove a box without endangering the whole,” she said, her choice of words peculiar enough to make Jaesa look sharply at her. “Tell me, Jaesa, do you believe it would be possible to achieve the second instruction? You spent a goodly time examining the tower- do you think it can be done at all?”

Jaesa hesitated, considering her answer carefully. “I... I do not, my Lord,” she said. 

Tahrin raised her good eyebrow at her, and Jaesa took it as an indication to continue. “I think that the tower was constructed in such a way that it needed every single piece.”

“Except for the grey one.”

“Yes, my Lord. I am fairly confident that the only piece that could be safely removed would be the grey one.”

Tahrin nodded slowly, apparently contemplating to herself, before her gaze became sharp again. She was impossible to read- Jaesa felt her skin crawling unpleasantly as she felt the weight of that cold, emotionless gaze. “Excellent. The metaphor, however clumsy, shall hopefully become evident in a moment. If you would please, apprentice- open the box in your hand and tell me what you see.” 

Her cheeks still flushed with embarrassment from the fallen tower, Jaesa carefully pried the lid from the box and peeked inside. She was half expecting to find some wretched bug or worm from Taris, scooped out of the toxic swamps on their way to the space port. But there was nothing malicious inside, nothing out to claw at her face for a chance at freedom. Instead there was only a single metal disk, round and small enough that it looked like it could have been a casino chip.

“Tell me what you see,” Tahrin said.

Jaesa fumbled for the chip, tossing the lid onto the pile of discarded boxes that had collapsed with the tower. It was thin and smooth, vaguely reddish in tone, and there were characters carved onto one side.

“Tell me what you see,” Tahrin repeated a third time, still locked into position off to the side, stiff and cold and terrifying.

Jaesa licked her lips nervously and read it aloud. “It says anger,” she said, glancing up to her master to see her reaction.

It was intriguing to say the least. Her nostrils flared as she breathed in sharply, her gaze bright and hungry. It was like looking into the face of a predator. “ _Anger_ ,” she said slowly, softly, as if it were a revelation, as if it were the name of a lover. Her lips curved into a smile, cruel and soft. “And what do the Jedi teach us about anger?”

She knew better than to question her master’s motives. “That it has no place in our hearts, and takes control of the weak. That it leads to recklessness, and violence, and cruelty. It is an emotion, and there should be no emotion. Only peace.”

Tahrin’s smile quirked at the corner of her lips, as if she was laughing to herself. “There should be no emotion,” she repeated, sounding amused. “And tell me, apprentice, have you ever freed yourself of all emotion, as the Jedi code requires?”

Jaesa hesitated, and then bowed her head. “You know I have not, master.”

“And did your last master free himself of all emotion, as the Jedi code required?”

She hesitated again. “No, he did not. But he was exposed to the Dark Side of the Force, and it corrupted him, and he was-”

Tahrin held up a hand for silence, and Jaesa obeyed immediately. “Do you understand biology, apprentice?” she asked slowly, pacing up and down in front of the upended boxes. “Do they teach you that, in your shining temples?”

“I… I have a basic understanding of anatomy for the purposes of healing, but that is all. Forgive me, master, but I fail to see how-”

“The mortal body,” Tahrin went on, speaking over the top of her as if she had not spoken at all, “is little more than a biological factory, powered by chemicals. Regardless of species, we all produce- and to some extent are controlled by- these chemicals. Adrenalin, for example, powers our bodies in times of great fear or pain or excitement.”

When she didn’t continue, Jaesa realized that she was expected to speak. “Y-yes master?”

Tahrin spun sharply on her heel, her eyes glittering with dark hunger. “ _Think_ , girl, what does it mean! The cocktail of chemicals exists in you all along, the potential for anger and love and violence and compassion, and the Jedi teach you to _ignore_ that part of yourself? Does that not infuriate you?”

“We must learn serenity, so that we may better serve-”

“So that you can be _controlled_. If you were to throw a flame to tinder and tell it in a loud voice ‘ _do not burn!_ ’ would it listen to you?”

“Maybe if the tinder were sufficiently dampened beforehand?”

“Hah! Don’t think to play semantics here, apprentice. It is in the best interests of the Jedi Council for you not to question their orders, for you not to follow your heart. You more than anyone, with the power to see right into the hearts and minds of men, should realize that. Did you see the discrepancies within your masters in the temple?”

“I was discouraged from prying into the hearts and minds of my fellow Jedi.”

“Of course you were,” Tahrin said dismissively, moving agitatedly now, with more passion and anger than Jaesa had ever seen in her. Tahrin was normally cold- an unmovable statue, her every move precise and considered and practiced. But there was fire beneath her skin now, her irritation blowing out into full blown riotous fury. “You are told with one breath to seek knowledge, that there should be no ignorance, but as padawans you are taught that you should set aside curiosity! They only want you to consume the knowledge they allow you to- they want you to continue in studied ignorance, regardless of what their precious code proclaims. They discouraged you from prying into the hearts of men because they did not want such a farce to be uncovered. They did not want you knowing that no mortal can set aside their pain and their heartache and their anger so easily.”

“That’s not true-”

“ _Hold your tongue!_ ” Tahrin snarled, spinning on her heel to point accusingly at her. “When you realized the betrayal of your former master, you were angry. You were hurt, and you were vulnerable, and you were angry. Admit it to me now.”

Jaesa felt her heart lurch in her chest, the cruel reminder stabbing at her anew and pulling the scab off a wound that had started to heal. “I was upset at him, it’s true.”

Tahrin drew one of her lightsabers and held it at her hip; Jaesa’s eye grew wide with panic when the familiar crackle of the laser burst through the cargo hold. “You would stand before me, _your master_ , and lie to me? A bald faced lie, denying that you felt emotion at the complete and utter betrayal of someone who had cared for you as a father?”

“Stop it,” Jaesa pleaded, her eyes flickering desperately from the blade to her face, trying to read her mood and her body language in case she attacked. She tried to get a read on Tahrin, but all she could sense was anger- violent and red and seething and painful, as hot as a star and as fierce as the sandstorms in the Dune Sea. 

“Why should I? Does it hurt, does it? Does it stab at your heart to know you were deceived, treated like a mindless child, treated like a pet and then discarded?”

“He would never have fallen if you hadn’t pushed him!” Jaesa shrieked, hot tears burning at her eyes. Oh, it hurt, it hurt so much- her stomach seethed and her blood was pounding in her ears and her heart felt like it was going to lurch right out of her chest. 

“Hah!” Tahrin barked, her teeth bared as if she intended to tear her to pieces. “You would place the onus of responsibility on someone else, sparing him the burden of his crimes? _Pathetic._ ”

When she lunged forward, Jaesa was ready- but only just. She got her own blade up at the last second, the lightsabers sizzling and screeching as the lasers bounced off one another. 

“You protect him even now, refusing to accept his crimes. If anyone deserves your anger, he does!”

Jaesa struggled to get a defensive footing; Tahrin was stronger than her, more powerful, more practised. She was quicker on her feet, but it didn’t mean much in the enclosed space of the cargo hold. 

“Own your anger!” She struck her again, the lash coming faster than she could defend against. She felt it glance off her shoulder, felt the burn as the blade cut through cloth and skin. “Do not shirk before me like a wilting flower, _defend yourself!_ ”

Jaesa lurched backwards, narrowly avoiding Tahrin’s blade again as it sheared past her face- she could feel the heat of the saber. “But Master-”

“ _Do not defy me!_ ” Tahrin snarled, battering her with blows so fast that Jaesa stumbled, unable to keep up. “You think to question me? _Me?_ Perhaps I was mistaken in taking you on; perhaps you are nothing but a coward and a fool. You are no more worthy of my time than a _bug_.”

Jaesa felt humiliation surge through her, hot and burning, and it was a fire within her. “I am too worthy of your time!” she hissed, her voice not as strong as she would wish it to be.

“ _Then show me!_ ”

The next blow was directed at her face again, and she only just got her lightsaber up in time to block it. She gasped at the weight behind the strike, her knees trembling with the force of it.

“Show me your anger, girl,” Tahrin snarled, peppering her with blows from both sides. Jaesa had never been particularly apt at dealing with dual wielding opponents, and Tahrin was certainly one of the greatest duelists she had ever seen. “I could have slain your parents in my bid to find you, I could have had them writhing on the floor and begging for death. I would have made them linger, knowing you could feel the pain, letting you know that _your_ life and _your_ gift was responsible for the agony they suffered.”

That burned hotter than the humiliation did, brighter and sharper and fiercer. A little more like anger. “But you didn’t!”

“But I could have. And I still could! They live only by my mercy, and they die by my whims.”

“ _You wouldn’t dare!_ ”

“Wouldn’t I? What’s to stop me from betraying you, just like your former master did?”

Jaesa screeched as the violence and the hate and the anger engulfed her, and she threw herself at Tahrin with every intention to kill her. 

But Tahrin had anticipated it, apparently, and as Jaesa lunged for her she felt clawed ghostly fingers wrap around her neck and haul her into the air. She gasped, clawing at her throat with her free hand as she kicked and fought and struggled. 

Tahrin disabled her blades, the snarl vanishing from her face. She was placid, cold, so immediately and completely disengaged from the duel that it threw Jaesa off. “Excellent,” Tahrin said mildly. With a flick of her wrist the ghostly hands vanished, and Jaesa went tumbling back to the deck. “Now stop.”

Panting for breath, feeling a bead of sweat running down her back, Jaesa staggered to her feet and snapped “What?”

“Stop,” Tahrin said calmly, crossing her arms. She wasn’t red in the face, she wasn’t even sweating. Her eyes were cold- there was utterly nothing in her to suggest how violent she had been mere moments earlier, so completely consumed by fury. “Stop your anger. _Control it_. Own it, conquer it- but do not let it control you.”

“ _But you just told me to embrace it!_ ” Jaesa snarled, battling the furious tide of seething red within her. Her shoulder ached from the lightsaber burn, and it only added to her rage.

“And you have. Now control it.”

There was such power within her, such awesome, brutal power. It sizzled through her, wild and unchecked. She could reach out and take it, she knew, and it would be the most amazing experience in her life. To touch such raw force and live, to master it- to stare into infinity and grasp the secrets of the universe. She would be unstoppable, she would be unending, she would-

“ _Apprentice. Control it._ ”

Her master’s words whipped through her lustful fantasies like a knife, cutting and cold and brutally disappointed. That, more than anything, dragged her back.

She gasped, and the air felt so cold that it burned her throat; she staggered back, and her lightsaber slipped from her hand, clattering onto the floor. Tahrin walked forward silently, bending before her and picking it up, disengaging the power so it didn’t burn straight through the floor of the cargo bay and out into the vacuum of space.

“Take your time,” she murmured, not making contact, not meeting her gaze. She crossed the room and set all three lightsabers down on the workbench, before turning back to her, watching silently. 

Jaesa fought. She felt as weak as a newborn babe, and eventually dropped to one knee, and then the other; she heaved for breath, great lungfuls that burned her like ice, refreshing even as it hurt her. She was trembling, agonised and horrified. There were tears on her face, and when she finally found the strength to speak again she did not know what she could possibly say.

She fought, her mouth working wordlessly before she managed to whisper “I have failed you.”

Tahrin made a noise of derision, but Jaesa dared not look up at her. “In what capacity?”

She swallowed several times, trying to force the words out. “I attacked you, and I could not control my anger.”

She heard footsteps, and Tahrin’s bare feet came into view. “You acted precisely as I expected you to act. That was, in fact, the purpose of the lesson.”

Jaesa sniffed miserably, and then there was a hand before her face, fingers wiggling to indicate she should take it. She looked up, at Tahrin standing over her, to the face that held no traces of friendship, no sign of sympathy. But she was her master, and she was helping her up, and that had to mean something. 

As she clasped the hand and allowed Tahrin to pull her to her feet, her master continued speaking. “If I were to threaten your parents, you would have every right to be angry at such threats,” she said, dropping her hand the moment Jaesa was steady again. “The Jedi would counsel you to lay aside all your worldly connections, give them up for the greater good, but to what end? We lose all humanity within us, the capacity to love and empathize with the universe around us, and the people in it. When I threatened your parents just now, what did you feel?”

Jaesa bowed her head. “Anger,” she whispered. “I was so angry with you, I wanted to rip you into tiny shreds before you could even reach the door.”

“And how do you feel now that you have encountered the full power of your own anger?”

She swallowed uncomfortably. “I feel stupid,” she confessed. “I let my passions run away with me, and I was uncontrollable-”

Tahrin snapped her fingers, a furious smugness in her eyes. “ _Precisely_ ,” she said, almost as animated as she had been in the moments before she had attacked. “You felt the power at your fingertips, grasped the potential within you, the _immensity_ of it, and you let it go to your head. It overwhelmed you and you _let it. That_ is the problem that we must overcome to continue your training; _that_ is the problem that so many Jedi encounter when they are first tempted to fall to the Dark Side, as they so dramatically proclaim it.”

Jaesa hesitated. “It felt like I _was_ falling,” she said quietly. “It felt like I was falling into an abyss, and I would never climb out of it again.”

“And such is the price of unlimited power. And the problem with the abstinence only approach that the Jedi take. By refusing to even acknowledge such power, they make themselves vulnerable to it. We who stare into the face of it and turn away, we become immune to the longing. We Sith, who draw on that power daily, will never be overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. We do not lunge into the abyss, because we know the dangers.”

“But the Jedi Code says-”

“ _The Jedi Code_ ,” Tahrin scoffed mockingly. “Does this look to be a Jedi ship to you, apprentice? The Jedi Code is simply words, easily interpreted according to one’s whims, easily corrupted for political purpose. Do you even know the origins of the code?”

“Of course. Master Odan-Urr laid down the principles in the early-”

“Before that, girl. Do you know the history of it? Where did Odan-Urr find it in the first place, to butcher and reword to suit his own morality?”

“I… I do not.”

Tahrin’s lips quirked again. “Of course not.” She breathed out slowly, almost a sigh, and began. “Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet the Force.”

Jaesa blinked. “I... I have not heard that version before.”

“I am not surprised,” Tahrin said, something bitter in her voice. “Odan-Urr founded one of the greatest repositories of knowledge ever assembled in the known galaxy, and he and the Jedi Council promptly restricted access to it. The original code of your order acknowledged that we cannot escape from our emotions, nor from our passions. It counselled us to find peace and serenity regardless of the chaos within it- not to ignore them. But with the coming of the Sith Empire, such teachings were seen as dangerous. They had seen too many fall to their temptations, and ruled that it was safer to deny them altogether, rather than seek to achieve balance.”

Jaesa hesitated before voicing what was on her mind. “But... you pulled me back,” she said. “You didn’t let my anger consume me.”

Tahrin raised her good eyebrow. “And why should I?” she asked. “That was not the purpose of the lesson at all. Or have you failed to discern what I am trying to teach you?”

“You wanted me to see that it’s wrong for the Jedi to deny their emotions, that they are very much a part of us. That there is power to be had in our passions.”

“That is only a tiny fraction of what you were meant to take away from this,” Tahrin said, sounding slightly colder. She had disappointed her. “From the Sith we learn passion, but from the Jedi we learn control. The most important thing you can do is learn to control your passions, to never let them control you. Your power is immense when you give yourself to the Dark Side, but your self control is non existent. When we control those powers within us- then we are truly powerful.”

Jaesa licked dry lips. “You did it instantly,” she said carefully.

“That I did,” Tahrin said blandly.

“Is that... you’re always so calm. So cold. Is that... from this?”

“I learned the importance of control before my fifth year,” Tahrin said cryptically, and then to Jaesa’s immense frustration did not continue. “Shall we pick another box and begin anew?”

Jaesa felt a cold chill go up her spine. “No,” she said, shaking her head in horror as she tried to envision what might be in every single one of those boxes. She didn’t know if she could face that sort of emotional upheaval and come out of it sane. “Please no. I can’t do anymore today.”

Tahrin paused, not quite a hesitation- it was too deliberate for that. “Are you conceding defeat, apprentice?” she asked softly, her voice a warning.

Jaesa did not have the strength to heed it. “Yes, yes, I am conceding defeat. Utterly. You’ve shown me my weakness and showed me for the coward I am. Please can we just let this humiliating episode come to an end?” 

“There is nothing to be humiliated about, Jaesa. You have done well. But very well, we shall break for now- if you can tell me the purpose of the entire exercise.”

“The entire pur- but we didn’t even finish the exercise! How am I supposed to tell what the final goal was if we barely started?”

Tahrin’s lip quirked in that odd way, her almost smile. “If it helps you at all, you are welcome to open more of the boxes.”

It was quite clearly more of a command than a hint, and Jaesa took it to heart. Kneeling on the ground again, she reached for a blue box and removed the lid.

“What do you see?” Tahrin commanded.

Jaesa lifted out the faintly blue chip, holding it up so she could make out the letters. “Compassion,” she said, sensing already the pattern within the boxes.

“Interesting. Try another.”

And so it went, opening each box and removing the chip, laying them all out on the ground in front of her. From the blue boxes she found justice, honesty, humility, self-discipline; from the red boxes she found lust, confidence, vengeance, deception, ambition, fear. She was reaching for another blue box when Tahrin interrupted her.

“Do you have any particular insights into the nature of the boxes, Jaesa?”

She looked down at the chips arrayed before her. “The red ones represent the more extreme aspects of the Sith,” she said, “and the blue ones represent the Jedi.”

“Very good. And do you have any guesses as to what the exercise was supposed to teach you?”

Jaesa hesitated before answering. “I think that, given the precarious nature of the original structure, you were trying to show me that even removing one element damages the integrity of the whole,” she said carefully. Tahrin did not respond, so she fumbled on further. “A-and given what lies within each of the boxes, I think that you’re trying to show me that we cannot try to remove parts of ourself like anger or compassion, without it badly affecting us.”

Tahrin gave a tight lipped smile. “Granted, it’s a clumsy metaphor, but we do not have the benefit of a dedicated training facility as I did, or two dozen years to focus your training. So we must make do with what time and resources we have, and hope for the best.”

“Master, if I might query a problem with the metaphor...”

“Careful, apprentice, you begged off not five minutes ago. Are you sure you want to risk continuing?”

Jaesa swallowed her fears. “There are Jedi Masters who live for centuries, knowing nothing but complete and utter serenity and peace as they commune with the Force-”

“And there are Sith Lords who are infused with such great rage and passion that even when their physical bodies have crumbled to dust, their spirits linger to cow and intimidate the living,” Tahrin finished for her. “I have seen them with my own eyes, and some have sought to teach me and some have sought to kill me. But ask your question.”

“These are great masters of the Force, for good or for ill, and they have walked with the Code and been made greater for it. Why would you think to suggest that your method is superior in any way to theirs?”

“An excellent question,” Tahrin said, her expression unreadable. “And unfortunately for you, it has no answer. I simply know which path calls to me, and it has not led me astray as of yet. As for yourself... you would not be here if you found the answers you needed with the Jedi path.”

Jaesa stared down at her hands, indecision twisting within her. “I suppose that is true,” she ventured finally. 

Tahrin had no words of comfort for her, no great surprise in itself, but she did not demand that she jump to her feet and ready herself for more lessons. Her master quietly went about collecting the mess their duel had made, walking over to the workbench to collect her weapons again. 

Jaesa couldn’t help herself. “Master,” she called softly, taking note of the way Tahrin’s hand hesitated as she went to pick up her twin lightsabers. “What is in the grey box?”

Tahrin was slow to answer, instead taking the time to reattach her sabers to her belt. “You do not wish to simply open it and see for yourself?”

“Why was it the only one I was not to remove?” she answered instead, half terrified already of what the answer would be.

Tahrin put both of her hands on the bench, leaning down hard- even at this distance, Jaesa could see the whites of her knuckles as she gripped the edge tightly. “The grey box contains the only thing that the Jedi and the Sith agree upon,” she said quietly, “and perhaps one of the most dangerous powers in the universe.”

“If it’s that dangerous, why did you not let me remove it first?” 

“The purpose of the grey box was to come later,” Tahrin said softly, “once the lesson of the greater structure had been understood. Once you understood the nature of the exercise, you were to understand why it is that the grey box is the only one that could be removed safely without damaging the rest of the tower.”

Jaesa felt cold, fear wrapping icy fingers around her spine. “What is it?” she whispered, barely able to take the tension. 

Tahrin was so quiet and so still that for several long moments Jaesa thought she meant not to answer her. When she finally sighed and straightened, there was something akin to grief in her voice- or at least as close to it as she suspected Tahrin was capable of. “Love,” Tahrin said softly. “The grey box contains love. For it is the most dangerous emotion of all- and it is the one thing the Jedi and the Sith will agree on.”

Jaesa did her best not to let her panic show on her face; her stomach, however, did unpleasant flips inside of her. “Why love? Why can’t we know our parents or... or a lover?”

She tried not to think of Vette.

Tahrin made a sound that seemed bitter. “For obvious reason, my dear apprentice. Love is the greatest unifying force in the universe, and also the most divisive. For the Jedi, the passion they associate with love is too great, the temptation to stray from one’s duties too vast,” Tahrin said. “For the Sith, it is a weakness that can be exploited, a flaw to be mocked.”

“But love is such a beautiful thing. I can’t imagine not having the love of my parents to guide me. What sort of life is there without love?”

Tahrin went so still that for a moment she was worried she was about to attack again. But there was no wild fury snapping in the air around her- only coldness, immense and utter coldness.

She realised too late what she had said. “Oh... oh stars, Tahrin, I did not mean-”

“Surprisingly, there is much satisfaction to be found in a life without love,” Tahrin said, almost robotically . “It is not a life half lived, as you seem to believe it to be.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Love is a weakness that no Sith and no Jedi can allow themselves,” Tahrin continued, speaking over her, each word sharp and brutal. “A lover is leverage- a Jedi general may refuse to fire on an enemy ship if their beloved is held prisoner aboard, thus causing the battle to be lost and the fleet to be defeated. A Jedi padawan may fall to the Dark Side, consumed by jealousy and lust simply by being rebuffed by a lover. A Sith Lord with a significant other is publicly displaying their weakness to their adversaries, risking their lover’s life and forcing them to be little more than a pawn.”

“But love can give you strength,” Jaesa whispered. “Love can give you courage when you would have given up long before.”

Tahrin took a long time to answer. “I am not denying that it is a powerful force,” she said quietly. “And it is not my place to tell you what you should and should not feel. But it is something that I would caution you against.”

When she didn’t continue, Jaesa took a chance to jump into the silence. “And you do not think that you might ever fall in love?”

“You should get to the medical bay and see to that shoulder,” Tahrin said instantly, not even acknowledging the question. “And we’ll consider that an end to the lessons for today.”

“Master...”

“I shall inform you when we have the time to continue your training. For now, keep up your studies and remember to continue your meditations and your lightsaber routines.”

“Master!”

Tahrin didn’t even turn to face her, but she could have sworn the air crackled with tension. “That is _all, apprentice_ ,” she said coldly, the last word almost a snarl. “Take your leave, before you push my patience.”

“You told me to speak my mind around you.”

“And I have shown you the line in the sand. If you continue to step over it, there will be consequences. Have I made myself clear?”

Jaesa bit the inside of her cheek and bowed her head. “Crystal, my lord,” she said quietly.

Later that evening, in the darkness of the crew quarters, Jaesa lay with her cheek resting against Vette’s chest. The thump of her heart was comforting, and she tried to imagine giving her up simply because it was practical to do so. 

It hurt, of course- she and Vette had had that argument too many times themselves. She had to wonder if Tahrin knew of their dalliance, if perhaps her lesson had been a roundabout way of voicing her disapproval. She was so hard to read- sometimes she was utterly blunt and forthright when she wanted to discuss something, and other times she was shrouded in mystery, her words frustratingly cryptic and obscure. 

“You’re tense,” Vette murmured drowsily, almost a breath against her ear. They did their best to keep quiet, always waiting until Pierce and Quinn fell asleep before creeping into bed together, but they had to be cautious. Vette’s fingers were playing gently with her hair, brushing softly over her scalp, soothing her. 

It worked, as always. 

“It’s nothing,” Jaesa mumbled, wrapping her arm tighter around her lover’s waist. It was better not to think about it, better not to even acknowledge it.

Because she didn’t know what she would do if Tahrin’s ominous warning turned out to be true.


End file.
